A long time ago, I was not the mother I dreamed of. I didn't consider having enough patience for my kid, for instance. I didn't understand enough about a child's biological development. I was not aware of the brain development of a child and, consequently, what a child was emotionally ready to accomplish or not. The relationship between my son and me was not so peaceful, with regular conflicts. When I realized I wanted to build up a good and close relationship with my children as a mother and person, I turned to mindfulness. And today, I could use mindfulness as a parent!
Let me tell you, what happened:
My son came from school crying. He took a test and felt he would not have a good grade as usual. He said: "It's all because of my finger. It hurts, and I can not write well." When I saw the finger, it seemed almost normal, but a little bit swallowed. My first thought and feeling were: "He knows he screwed up the test. He is finding an excuse for a lower grade for himself and me." The lower grade actually doesn't upset me, but the feeling of "excusing" got me into an irritated modus. Fortunately, before I said something, I had a mindful moment where I realized I was about to blame him for finding an excuse for a grade on a test before even knowing it! I decided to focus my attention on describing what I saw while my caring hand was on his shoulder: "You seem sad and disappointed. You are crying." I let space and got quiet. In doing so, he had enough silence to speak and cry. After a while, it was over, and we moved on in our life.
Realizing that he might be measuring himself as a person by his grade on his test, I turned to him. I said: "I want you to know: What a grade translates is only about if you studied enough about that subject, if you know the subject well enough or not, or maybe you studied, but the way you studied didn't help you to know the subject that well. Your grades do not define you. You are much bigger than a grade. Your value is not measurable. It is infinite. You have worth, no matter what. My love is not affected by a grade. I love you because you are you."
While we were hugging, I felt grateful for all the authors of the several books I read or videos I saw about parenting. I was so thankful for my mindfulness practice, which allowed me to recognize what was happening inside me. Grateful for practicing the mindful pause and then acting according to what my heart felt like, taking love as a source and not the energy of blame.
Maybe you are asking if I am always like this. No, I am human. Sometimes, I speak things I regret later, being mindful afterward. I try to remember that I do my best with the resources I have at that moment in time. As a mother, the path is one of learning while growing personally. I am so grateful for the wisdom my kids bring to me.
Take Care and trust your heart,